Today I took a big step and finally went to the doctor to admit I was struggling. I have spent the past few months hoping it would go away and telling myself to pull myself together. However when I arrived at my mums to drop off O this morning in tears I had to admit to her how I have been feeling and she made me call the doctor to make an appointment.
So this morning I went to see the doctor and explained how I felt - I filled in a questionnaire and the doctor agreed that I was depressed - not majorly but enough to warrant a small dose of anti-depressants.
I don't know how I feel having admitted it but I hope this is the start of things improving and me becoming myself again.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Monday, 8 November 2010
It's been a while!
Firstly apologies for not being around for a while time is flying by and to be honest I am finding it tough being a Mummy and working full time. I am exhausted a lot of the time. I have a few posts that I need to write so will try and do those over the next few days/weeks.
I'm on a funny place at the moment and I'm worrying myself. So I am hoping if I write things down I can get a new perspective on things.
So things have been stressful we had Ofsted visit at the end of last term so it was all very hectic and stressful at work - I haven't posted about it until the official report was out (on the website today I think) any way we scrapped a satisfactory which is quite impressive as by the middle of day 1 of a 2 day inspection the inspectors were thinking of putting us into special measures! The whole school worked extremely hard and I was the only teacher to not be observed so I had two days of waiting to be observed and it never happened! I hardly saw my family for 5/6 days and after the inspectors had gone I just wanted to sleep!
Talking of my job this is something that I think is affecting my mental state at the moment - I love doing Reading Recovery which I do every morning the 1-1 teaching is great and the children are making great progress and are lovely. However I hate hate hate what I do in the afternoon - I release the other teachers so they can do PPA or have some time for the subjects the co-ordinate etc. So I am effectively a supply teacher in the afternoon (this is how the children view me) and the behaviour I have to deal with is appalling and it is knocking my confidence - I taught an extremely tough class full time for 2 years before I went on maternity leave so I know I can do it so why can't I teach a class of children for an afternoon without a fight breaking out? One class in particular I find incredibly tough and I know their teacher does now. The last day before the holidays I spent in tears at the thought of teaching them I was so bad I got sent home from work as I just couldn't face the class.
Which brings me on to my next point I seem to be close to tears a lot of the time - why am I allowing my job to affect me so much? I thought it was pmt as it seems that for the past couple of months I have spent the day before my period started in tears. But recently it has been other times of the month and a lot of the time I have no idea why I am feeling so sad - Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and ignore that I have a gorgeous, funny and delightful daughter and a wonderful husband. It is all too much effort! Is it exhaustion or is it something else? Do I just need to pull myself together and get on with it and stop being so silly?
I'm sorry if this is a ramble but as I said at the start I needed to get it out in the hope I can start to feel better.
I'm on a funny place at the moment and I'm worrying myself. So I am hoping if I write things down I can get a new perspective on things.
So things have been stressful we had Ofsted visit at the end of last term so it was all very hectic and stressful at work - I haven't posted about it until the official report was out (on the website today I think) any way we scrapped a satisfactory which is quite impressive as by the middle of day 1 of a 2 day inspection the inspectors were thinking of putting us into special measures! The whole school worked extremely hard and I was the only teacher to not be observed so I had two days of waiting to be observed and it never happened! I hardly saw my family for 5/6 days and after the inspectors had gone I just wanted to sleep!
Talking of my job this is something that I think is affecting my mental state at the moment - I love doing Reading Recovery which I do every morning the 1-1 teaching is great and the children are making great progress and are lovely. However I hate hate hate what I do in the afternoon - I release the other teachers so they can do PPA or have some time for the subjects the co-ordinate etc. So I am effectively a supply teacher in the afternoon (this is how the children view me) and the behaviour I have to deal with is appalling and it is knocking my confidence - I taught an extremely tough class full time for 2 years before I went on maternity leave so I know I can do it so why can't I teach a class of children for an afternoon without a fight breaking out? One class in particular I find incredibly tough and I know their teacher does now. The last day before the holidays I spent in tears at the thought of teaching them I was so bad I got sent home from work as I just couldn't face the class.
Which brings me on to my next point I seem to be close to tears a lot of the time - why am I allowing my job to affect me so much? I thought it was pmt as it seems that for the past couple of months I have spent the day before my period started in tears. But recently it has been other times of the month and a lot of the time I have no idea why I am feeling so sad - Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and ignore that I have a gorgeous, funny and delightful daughter and a wonderful husband. It is all too much effort! Is it exhaustion or is it something else? Do I just need to pull myself together and get on with it and stop being so silly?
I'm sorry if this is a ramble but as I said at the start I needed to get it out in the hope I can start to feel better.
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